A Scary Kind of Love
by fey of the forest
Summary: Ianto's ill and Gwen is on holiday, leaving Jack alone in the Hub. It's a perfectly ordinary day in Cardiff, but when the Rift Monitor goes berserk, Jack knows that it's going to be another one of those days, especially when he meets his double...
1. Not what he was expecting

**Hey all, this one is for my friend Strictly Untalkative. It's a bit of a silly fic, and one that started out as a bit of a joke but through that this was born. Hope you like and please r&r. Reviews equal much love.**

**Set pre Children of Earth but post series two**

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own Torchwood, no matter how much I'd love to, nor do I own any of the songs that are referenced. Also, Hans was inspired visually by the lead singing Nazi from The Producers, but nothing more. It is not a crossover**

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It all started out as a perfectly normal day at the Hub at Torchwood 3's base in Cardiff. Captain Jack Harkness had woken up in his room in the Hub to hear the familiar roar of water rushing down the water tower which was the main centre piece of the base. It also helped to hide the Rift Manipulator within and could act as an antenna from time to time. It did have its advantages being located on an active rift with a huge piece of metal in the centre of your headquarters. It meant that the team could listen to any radio shows from across the solar system. If they were lucky they could even catch a few invasion plans which meant that the team had won before the battle had even begun. In fact, wanting some music, Jack switched the radio on and smiled as he listened to the news. There were traffic jams in and around the capital city of Wales but that didn't really surprise him considering he'd heard that the University was having an open day. Every college student across the country who wanted to come to this town to learn would be travelling into the centre and blocking up the roads. It would be an absolute nightmare if they didn't have the SUV to be perfectly honest, because otherwise they wouldn't be able to get anywhere.

Just fancying a cup of coffee as he threw on a clean shirt, Jack was surprised to find that his lovely Welsh tea boy hadn't yet showed up. He knew that Gwen was away on holiday with Rhys in Hong Kong and that they wouldn't be back for a while. Ianto however... Well, he had no idea where he was. Sorely tempted to ring him and find out where his lovely Welshman was, he was about to press the dial button when his mobile phone actually buzzed. Grinning as he thought something along the lines of great minds thinking alike, he pressed the answer button.

"Ah, my lovely Ianto. Where are you? I need you to work your coffee magic!" Jack said, not giving Ianto a chance to get a word in edgeways.

"Sorry Jack. I can't make it in. I've got this awful virus and I can barely... I can barely...achoo!" Jack held the mobile away from his ear. "I can barely move." Ianto said, sounding very bunged up and run down.

"Alright then. You get yourself better! No overdoing it now!" Jack told his lover.

"Yes sir." Jack heard Ianto say somewhat sarcastically.

"I might pop round later." Read that as will pop round, Jack thought.

"Alright. See you then Jack." Hanging up, Jack shrugged. He really wanted some coffee but as the coffee machine only ever seemed to work for Ianto, he decided to go and get some from one of the cafes in the Bay.

Grabbing his faithful long coat, he threw it over his shoulders and stepped out of the base into the Tourist Information Centre which acted as their cover. Very few people actually came in because there was a newer version just around the corner, but in some respects that place had done them a favour. Over the summer and especially on university open days it was hard to keep their cover. With this new place opening they had not seen as many people which made it one heck of a lot easier to keep hidden. After all, no one was meant to know that Torchwood existed apart from the people who worked there and a few members of the police. Heading out of the door, he breathed in the sea air and grinned before heading to one of the cafe stands which set up shop around here. Walking quite happily over to one, hands in his pockets and his coat billowing in the sea breeze, he ordered a coffee and winked at the girl stood at the till. Blushing, she handed him a white polystyrene cup filled with a steaming liquid. Taking a sip, the Captain grimaced- it may have resembled coffee but it didn't taste anywhere near as good as Ianto's.

Walking back to the Hub, he threw away the half full cup before opening the door. Stepping back inside the vaults, he had to wonder where on earth the beeping was coming from. Searching around the place for the source of the beeping, he saw activity on the Rift Monitor and sighed. He had been planning to go and see Ianto but now he had more work to do. Picking up the portable Rift Monitor, he ran to the SUV and climbed into the driver's seat, his foot hitting the pedal before he had even closed the door. Speeding from the car park, Jack momentarily forgot about the congestion until he hit the main road and suddenly became stuck. The portable Rift Monitor beeped a bit more and a bit more loudly. In fact, the beeping was becoming louder and quicker the more that time progressed and it was beginning to drive the Captain insane. That and the fact that he couldn't move. With the traffic moving slower than anything, Jack nearly swore before looking back at the monitor. The energy spike was growing quickly and pretty soon it would be off the scale. He had to get there and fast unless he wanted Cardiff to blow up or be invaded with space armadillos. Thankfully, he knew a back way.

Reversing, Jack turned the SUV down onto one of the side streets and avoided a few of the cars which were coming the other way. The Rift Monitor still beeping incessantly, Jack needed to block it out, so he switched on the radio. Suddenly he was being blasted with some trashy dance beat that wouldn't go amiss in the nightclubs on a Friday night, but they did here. With one hand on the steering wheel, he tuned the radio and flicked through the various channels before stopping on one of his favourites. There was nothing better than some nineties classics on a day like this. Grinning as he heard the tune, he couldn't help but sing along.

"Every little thing she does is magic, everything she does just turns me on, even though my life before was tragic, now I know my love for her goes on..." Turning onto another side street, he had never been happier to see green fields and empty country lanes. Putting his foot down on the pedal, he sped down the quiet lane until he reached the area which was marked on the monitor.

Pulling up on the edge of the bleak and desolate field, Jack was suddenly reminded of the time that his team had come across a bunch of cannibals. Shuddering, he hoped that he wasn't about to be turned into lunch and let a hand hover over his gun as he stepped outside. His coat billowing out behind him in the cool breeze, Captain Harkness looked across the field but saw no sign of anything out of place. Wondering if it was only something small that had come through the rift, Jack started walking across the field, his eyes on the ground looking for anything unusual. Whatever it was that had come through had certainly caused a large energy spike, the likes of which Jack had rarely seen. The last time the Rift Monitor had registered something of that scale, the TARDIS had appeared. This time around there was no sign of the Doctor, just a field full of grass.

Still walking, Jack wondered who on Earth would do this for a living. Staring at grass for ages was not in the least bit fun nor was it interesting at all, but he knew that the archaeology students from the university did do this. The number of times he had had to throw them off the trail or disturb their archaeological investigations to prevent alien technology falling into the wrong hands... There were too many to count. Staring at the ground, he paused for a minute as he thought he had spotted something, only to find that it was just an old coin. Picking it up and putting it in his pocket, he carried on and stared at the portable Rift Monitor to make sure that he was on the right field. The map told him that there had been Rift Energy directly where he stood but there was absolutely no sign of any disturbance.

"Excuse me...." Hearing a voice behind him, Jack instinctively reached into his pocket for his credentials, ready to give off some spiel about being an agricultural specialist or a lost hiker. Turning around and looking upwards, he wasn't expecting this in the slightest. Standing opposite him was a very familiar face, and so it should be for it was the same as his own. The only difference was that this young man had short golden blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes the colour of the clear blue sea, and he was wearing a World War Two German Luftwaffe Uniform. Other than that, this man was exactly the same as Jack in every single way. About to ask who this man was, Jack heard the sound of a trigger being pulled and before he could do anything, he was suddenly plunged into the familiar sensation of death...


	2. Doppelganger

**Hey all, thank you for the favourites and the reviews. Special mentions go to Strictly Untalkative and doctor-who-fangirl for their reviews. Reviews do indeed equal lots of love and make me grin like a loon.**

**Erm, I should point out that there is a link between all the songs that will be mentioned. If anyone can work this out then I shall send them virtual cookies.**

**All translations are very very approximate**

**Hope you enjoy,**

**Fey-of-the-forest =)**

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It was to be a good few minutes before Captain Jack Harkness returned to life. Pulling himself out of the darkness was always the hardest part but as he opened his eyes, he gulped in large amounts of air and filled his lungs. The sky above was covered in fluffy white clouds with the sun's rays piercing through them at various points. Blinking as he let his eyes adjust, Jack ran a hand through his hair and let his thoughts gather before getting up. Looking around the field, he saw no sign of the blonde who had shot him, but he did hear the sound of a car engine. Cursing his stupidity for leaving the key in the ignition, Jack sprinted towards the SUV which had been parked on the edge of the field, not wanting for it to be lost. Ianto would kill him a good number of times if anything happened to that car.

Managing to get to the car in time, Jack threw himself into the passenger seat and shut the door just as the blonde put his foot to the pedal. Staring at the blonde who was currently sitting in the driver's seat, Jack had to wonder if this was a future version of himself that had come back to visit, or if the Time Agency were cloning their agents now. Whichever, he certainly made a very cute blonde and Jack made a mental note to perhaps try out a blonde hairstyle at some point. It certainly suited his features, let's put it that way. As another song came on the radio that was still switched on- You're so vain- Jack snapped out of it. Now was not the time to be admiring how he looked with blonde hair and blue eyes. There were more pressing matters, such as who on Earth this blonde version of himself was.

Locking the doors of the SUV so that neither of them could get out, Captain Jack Harkness wondered how the hell this man was managing to drive the SUV. It wasn't the easiest thing to drive and indeed it had taken plenty of attempts to teach the team how to drive it. Jack could still remember the time that Gwen had run him over as he was trying to teach her, and it had taken a lot of time to teach each member of his team how to drive this thing. The fact that this blonde was able to drive the SUV straight away with very little trouble was... actually, Jack spoke too soon. The Captain had to hold onto his seat rather tight as the brakes were slammed and he was slung forwards. If it wasn't for his seatbelt he would have been thrown into the window, which would have hurt...a lot. Actually, it would have probably killed him for the second time that day. Stopping at some traffic lights, Jack decided to take the opportunity to find out just who this young man was who had come through the Rift.

"Alright, who are you?" Captain Harkness asked, feeling annoyed that he had already died once today and was now a passenger in his own car. He didn't have a clue how the blonde man was managing to drive back towards the city centre either.

"Ich heisse Hans."

"Speak English?" Jack asked. He knew very little German but he didn't know if the language translation effect that the TARDIS had on him was still working. Whatever, if Hans didn't speak English then things would be even more complicated.

"Sehr little." The blonde called Hans replied, his German accent thick and heavy. "Who are you?"

"Captain Jack Harkness." The Torchwood leader told him, noticing the lights changing. The traffic still hadn't cleared up but there was a way to avoid it. Surprisingly, Jack found himself directing the German around Cardiff's back streets.

"Zey say dat it is sehr bad luck to meet your double."

"I know." Captain Harkness said grimly. If this was a future version of himself then somewhere along the line he had had to learn German. The fact that there were two versions of him in the world now was a bit of a scary though. Just one of him was enough, especially considering he couldn't die. Now that there were two of him... well, Jack wasn't going to let Hans out of his sight. "Your uniform?"

"Captain Hans Liebemann, of ze Luftwaffe of ze German Army." He said proudly. Jack could remember being that proud when he had first joined the Time Agency. He had quickly lost that after having some of his memory stolen but did find himself speaking with pride when he spoke of his team.

"Right." Captain Jack said, feeling confused and wondering what was going on here. "How the hell did you get here?"

"I do not know. Eine minuten I vas in ze fatherland und ze next, I vas here in a field." Hans explained.

"OK..." Jack sighed, rubbing his eyes. To have a German World War Two officer land in the middle of 21st Century Cardiff was bad enough, let alone a doppelganger of the Captain who led a team of people which defended the city from aliens. Absolutely anything could happen now. Still driving, Jack was glad to find that they weren't that far away from the Bay now. Driving across the dual carriageway which acted as the main link between the shopping centre of Cardiff and the Bay, the two Captains sat in silence, the only sound being that of the radio in the background. Eventually they turned off the main road, driving around the outer edges of the Bay.

From the road it was possible to see how busy everything was. It was early afternoon now and those students who had descended on the city to check out the university had invaded the shopping centre. The Bay therefore was pretty empty which was just as well considering what was about to happen next. Turning onto one of the car parks on the water side, Jack tried desperately to instruct Hans as to how to park the SUV. It was much harder to park this beast of a car than it was to drive it as they were both finding out. Hans, feeling very much confused what with being in a strange place and driving a strange vehicle, hit the wrong pedal. Instead of putting his foot on the brakes, he ended up hitting the accelerator and so, rather than coming to a halt and parking up, the SUV sped through the barriers. For a few terrible seconds, the SUV containing Captain Liebemann and Captain Harkness floated in mid air, hovering over the water, before it plunged into the Bay and sank down into the watery depths.


	3. Swimming

**Thanks to doctor-who-fangirl for reviewing. Reviews equal much love. Also, thanks for all the favourites too- they make me happy but not as much as reviews do.**

**Hope you like this chapter**

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Jack swore... loudly.

Ianto was going to kill him for this, quite literally. Even if Jack didn't get out of the car now, he would probably be dragged out and be given the chance to recover before Ianto killed him in some very imaginative and painful way, buried him, and then dig him up and kill him again. The SUV was the only real mode of transport they owned and now that it was ruined Jack had no idea how they would cope. After all, it wasn't as if they had a spare knocking about, and this one contained one heck of a lot of alien tech. That same alien tech was now steadily becoming drenched with sea water and Jack was forced to sit and watch as the waves swallowed the tin box on wheels. Undoing his seatbelt in preparation for getting out, Jack turned to Hans to find that the German looked surprisingly calm... Calm and yet Jack knew that he was a bit scared too.

Jack knew it couldn't have been easy for the blonde man. To have been taken from your home and then transported a good few thousand miles to Wales wasn't exactly the best of things to start with, let alone then crashing into the waves. Noticing that the German was clinging onto the steering wheel, Jack tugged on his arm to pull him down before he tried the door. With the pressure of the water increasing outside, it was impossible to get out that way, so Jack used his elbow to knock out the glass in his window. Wincing as he thought of what Ianto would do to him, Jack watched as shards of glass and water poured into the cabin of the vehicle for a few seconds. He then started hauling himself out of the car and into the water. Taking a deep breath, he motioned for Hans to do the same before the two of them swam up towards the surface.

Swimming wasn't the easiest of things to do when wearing a great coat, but Jack struggled against the current and eventually reached the surface. Filling his lungs with air, he gulped in as much of it as possible before swimming towards the side. He assumed that Hans was following him but as he climbed out onto dry land, he began to worry. There was no sign of his young German double, which only meant that he was still underwater and that simply would not do. He needed to know more about this man and, well, quite simply, he could not let him die considering he had basically just arrived. Taking off his soaked through coat, Jack kicked off whatever heavy clothing he had on before diving back in to try and find the German before he drowned.

The water was murky and grey, and very little could be seen in it. In fact, Jack could barely see an arm's length in front of him but he swam on regardless. He wasn't going to give up until he found Hans. He had too many questions that needed answering, and how else was he going to be able to explain to Ianto how the SUV got ruined? Swimming downwards in the area that the SUV had sunk, Jack knew that the young blonde German could not have gone too far from that spot. Holding his breath, he did a quick search of the vehicle before he spotted the body of the young German. His foot had gotten stuck, trapping him.

Freeing Hans' foot, Jack held onto him as he swam back to the surface. Gulping in the fresh air once more, he made his way over to the side of the Bay and pulled Hans onto dry land, before panicking slightly when he found that the blonde wasn't breathing.

"Oh no you don't fella." Jack sighed, taking in a deep breath to fill his lungs before crushing his lips on the German's. It was a bit weird kissing an image of himself, but not entirely unpleasureable. Giving his breath to the young man, he just hoped that he would get the answers to his questions. Breaking off to fill his lungs once more, he was a little surprised to find that no one was watching. Surely someone in the area would have noticed a large car crash into the water? Unless the police had decided that it was just 'bloody Torchwood' again and weren't going to bother.

Pressing his lips against the blonde man's once more, Jack couldn't help but smile when he felt the German respond beneath him. Hans seemed nonplussed that another man was kissing him and, well, from the way he was kissing back, Jack had the feeling that this wasn't the first time that Hans had been kissed by another man. It definitely had been worth rescuing him. Breaking off for air, the two Captains looked at each other. Jack, still lost in the moment, was wondering what would happen next.

Hans, very much shocked and not wanting to be taken prisoner, was working out a way of escape. He had the distinct idea that the brunette version of himself was going to imprison him and he didn't want that. Who knew what strange implements of torture were present? Drawing his revolver, Hans buried the barrel in Captain Harkness' chest before pulling the trigger.

The last thing Jack heard was the sound of a gunshot and lyrics of the song 'Please remember me', before he died for the second time that day.


	4. Karaoke Night

Having shot the American Captain, the blonde German took the opportunity to escape. With his captor lying by the waterside, soaked through with saltwater and his own blood, dead, Hans knew that he didn't have to worry about seeing his double again. Soaked through himself and in a very weird city, Hans knew that he needed to disguise himself. One of the things that the handbooks told them to do was disguise themselves as civilians when in enemy territory, but Hans didn't have a clue where to go. Instead he just ran, hoping that he would reach the shops eventually.

Running from the American, Hans felt little remorse for killing him. He'd already shot him once and yet he had appeared a few minutes later completely unharmed. That's why he was running now. If by some chance this brunette could not die, Hans wanted to be as far away from him as possible when he woke up. He also had the distinct feeling that the American had a number of things planned for him. If it wasn't the implements of torture that surely existed now, then it was something else, and Hans really didn't want any of these trying out on him. It didn't take a psychic either to work out exactly what was on Jack's mind each time he looked at the German, and if Hans hadn't been certain of it before, the kiss had told him everything that he needed to know.

Not having a clue whatsoever as to where he was going, Hans eventually slowed to a walk. There was no chance that the American Captain could catch up with him easily now, which suited him. Following some signs, Hans reached the city centre at mid afternoon, finding the streets filled with people. There was no sign of anyone in German uniform and he noted that he was being given a number of funny looks from passersby. Feeling lost in the crowd, Hans stood and watched as a sea of people moved around him. A number of girls wore men's clothes and very few were wearing the clothes he was accustomed to. There were also a number of people walking around wearing jackets with lots of buttons, some like he had seen in pictures. Confused as to why they would want to wear such items of clothing, Hans suddenly noted with some surprise that one young guy (or girl....with short hair he couldn't tell), had come up to him.

"Excuse me, you couldn't per chance tell me where you got your coat from? I love it." It was a girl Hans looked at her and it took him a few minutes to work out just what she had said. His English was a little rusty to say the least.

"Ze Luftwaffe gave it to me ven I joined zem. It's part of ze uniform. If you vant one you should join zem." He told her before walking on. The girl stared at him in complete disbelief, shrugged and walked back to her friends, muttering something about weirdos and Cardiff being full of them.

Wandering around the city centre, Hans stared in wonder at shop window displays, wondering just how on earth so many people could afford the prices. He also noted with some distaste that nothing was German. There was no sign whatsoever of any German influence which troubled him. Did that mean that their invasion plans had not yet been put into practise? Also, having discovered the currency in use, Hans knew that he could not afford anything. All he had were some deutschmarks, having just been paid cash in hand for some job he'd done before he'd arrived in Cardiff, and even if he could have used them, they were soaked through just like him. He was surprised to say the least that no one had actually commented on him being wet, but judging the way that everyone was dressed, they probably just thought that it was some strange sort of fashion statement. Sighing, Hans went and found somewhere to sit down so that he could let his thoughts gather- something he hadn't yet had chance to do.

All he had been doing in Germany was heading home to his mum's where his dinner would be waiting for him on the table. After a hard day of work, all he had wanted to do was sit back that evening, read the newspaper and listen to the radio. He hadn't wanted any trouble, and he definitely hadn't wanted to go on a trip. The only reason he had ended up in a field was because he had seen a weird golden glow come from one of the backstreets he was walking past and he had felt duty bound to investigate. After all, it could have been some new kind of weapon that the enemy had developed and if Hans discovered it then he would probably earn a promotion- perhaps even meet the Fuhrer himself. So he had gone to see what it was and had found himself arriving in the middle of a field in Wales where he had then met his doppelganger and this had all begun.

Letting his clothes dry in the sun, Hans didn't care that he was being stared at. He just wanted to get home. He didn't like it here for it was strange and different. It wasn't nice either and the further away he got from Jack the better. To him home was safe and this wasn't home. He had seen many things in his job and his training had prepared him for almost any situation, but nothing had involved teleportation or time travel. He was on his own for this one, which scared him somewhat.

"You're here a bit early mate." Hans looked up as he heard the voice, finding a burly man who was bald and wore black standing in front of him. "But still, come on in. We'll be invaded shortly." Hans' brow furrowed in confusion. What was this about invasion? The Germans? In which case, how did this ma know? Was he an ally? Shrugging as he didn't want to be outside when this invasion occurred, Hans followed the man inside.

"Nice costume by the way."

"Vat?"

"Your costume. Very clever what with you being German as well. Best be careful tonight though because you might cause some trouble." Hans still hadn't a clue what this man was going on about.

"Vat's zis about eine invasion?" the blonde asked a few minutes later after getting comfortably settled at the bar.

"Ah, well..." the bald man, who Hans had learned was a bouncer, started to answer him before a group of about six or seven students walked through the door. There were four girls, two of them blonde like him, one brunette and one ginger, and two lads, both brunettes. All were dressed for a night out on the town and immediately smiled at the man behind the bar. With drinks dished out, Hans couldn't help but smile when he noticed the brunette and one of the blonde girls looking over his way every so often.

"Guten tag!" The brunette said, smiling as she took the seat next to him. "So what's your name then Captain?"

"Hans."

"Hans... Well hello there Hans, I'm Violet." The brunette practically purred. "I must say, I do love your outfit."

"You do?"

"You look very fetching. I always did like a man in uniform." She grinned. "Barman, a drink for Hans here."

"But..." Hans objected. He had no way of paying, but Violet just shushed him and handed over a note.

A good few drinks later, Hans had met the whole of the group of students who were Violet's friends and had been bought a drink in every round. That made six rounds which meant that he was more than a little tipsy by now. In fact, he was completely sizzled. Laughing at another of the stories that the friends were swapping, somehow Hans ended up being dragged towards the karaoke machine which had been set up. Violet and her friends dared him to give it a shot and Hans in his drunken state couldn't refuse. So there he was, standing on the stage waiting for the words to come up as the music started.

"Woah-oah woah-oah

Uptown girl  
She's been living in her uptown world  
I bet she never had a back street guy  
I bet her mama never told her why  
I'm gonna try for an uptown girl  
She's been living in her white bread world  
As well as anyone with hot blood can  
And now she's looking for a downtown man  
That's what I am

And ven she knows vot  
She vants from her time  
And ven she wakes up  
And makes up her mind

She'll see I'm not so tough  
Just because  
I'm in love with an uptown girl

She's meine uptown girl  
You know I'm in love  
With an uptown girl " as he finished singing and dancing, Hans heard an applause. Laughing and taking a bow, he stepped down from the stage and went to buy a drink for his student friends. Taking out his wallet, he went to pay and momentarily forgot that all he had were deutschmarks. Handing it over, the barman stared at him in confusion.

"Sorry mate, I can't take this. Pounds sterling only."

"But..."

"You heard me." Hans, feeling frustrated, reached in his holster. There was more than one way to get a drink.

"Drinks, now." He growled. The barman complied, handing over a tray full of alcoholic beverages.

"On the house." Taking over the tray, Hans smiled at his friends, not noticing the barman pick up the phone. Joining in with the singing that the students were doing, Hans remained blissfully unaware of the commotion that was happening until he heard the door swing open.

"Which one was it?" The Police Officer asked.

"The blonde Nazi over there." The two PCs walked over, handcuffs at the ready. The students suddenly backed away.

"Alright son, you're nicked!" Hans suddenly felt his spirits sink. This wasn't good at all.


	5. A Pink Bug

**Hey guys, thanks for all the reviews and favourites. Hope you like the next chapter and please r&r**

**fey-of-the-forest**

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For the second time that day, Captain Jack Harkness was enveloped in the icy grips of death. Having been shot once again by the blonde Nazi, Jack made a mental note to take the gun off him when he woke. Speaking of which... Jack dragged himself back to the real world, taking deep breaths of the sea air and laughing as he felt his heart start beating again. It was always a weird feeling, but one that he was steadily getting used to after dying so many times. Looking at the sky, Jack inwardly cursed. Instead of the bright blue it had been earlier when he had saved Hans' life, it was now a darker shade. The night was drawing in, which meant that he had been out of it for a while. Also, there was no sign of Hans anywhere, which made things ten times worse. A blonde Nazi out on the loose could be absolutely anywhere in Cardiff causing chaos, and Jack knew he had to get him back.

Getting to his feet, Jack threw on his still wet coat and reached in the pocket. He was sure that Hans would still have some rift energy about him which meant that it should show up on the Rift Monitor. He also knew that the German had no idea where he was going, which gave Jack the advantage anyway. Grinning, he reached in his pocket for the portable Rift Monitor with the intention of finding Hans immediately. His plan was foiled by the fact that the monitor beeped feebly before the screen went black from typical water damage. Jack grimaced. If Ianto wasn't going to be angry enough with him for practically destroying the SUV, he certainly would be now. Frustrated and not having a clue where to start from now as Hans could have gone in any direction, Jack went to the Hub.

Changing into a clean, dry shirt, he swapped his coat for a jacket before checking the Rift Monitor to see if he could track Captain Hans Liebemann. There was no sign of anymore Rift activity, nor any movements of one particular person, which meant that his idea of tracking him that way was now out of the question. Sighing in frustration, Jack was sorely tempted to kick something, but stopped himself from doing so. He was already fed up of pain today so what good was causing himself more? It was then that he noticed the reports of a disturbance at one of the pubs near the university. That wasn't unusual on a Friday night. What sparked Jack's interest was the mention of a blonde man dressed as a German Nazi was the one causing chaos. One name sprang to mind: Hans. It had to be him.

Jack sprang to action almost immediately, going to go and jump into the SUV, only for him to realise that he couldn't unless he wanted to go for another swim. With no other form of transport to hand, and the risk of Hans getting away before he could get there, Jack knew that he had to get there somehow. Running out of Torchwood 3's base, the Captain looked around to see if he could spot anything that he could use. Unfortunately, most people had now gone home and so very few cars were around for him to borrow. However, his eye did land on one single solitary vehicle and he smiled ever so slightly...

It didn't take long for Jack to reach the pub that had reported a disturbance. Pulling up in the baby pink Bug, the Captain jumped out of the car and burst through the doors of the pub to find two Police Officers trying to arrest Captain Hans Liebemann whilst a group of university students were arguing with them. Jack immediately took out his pass and walked straight towards the PCs.

"I'll take him off your hands." He told them, showing them his ID. The PCs stared at him as if he was from another planet before rolling their eyes. They knew that Torchwood held authority over them but it didn't mean that they liked it. Sighing, they gave up and let Jack escort the drunken Nazi from the bar. Hans meanwhile seemed very much unaffected by what was happening. On the contrary, he seemed rather happy to see Jack, but then again, who wouldn't be? Leading Hans outside, Jack wondered why Hans suddenly grinned at the sight of the car.

"Ah, ze captain who will not die. You have different car. Eine Volkswagon. Zat is ze car of ze Fuhrer. Herr Hitler would approve." Pushing Hans into the passenger seat, Jack immediately relieved the German of his gun so that he wouldn't be shot again and then locked the door. Getting into the driver's seat, Captain Harkness turned the key in the ignition before driving back towards the Hub.

As they drove, Hans started fiddling with the buttons inside, flicking on the windscreen wipers, messing with the windows and flicking on the radio again. Laughing at the track which came on- can't take my eyes off you- Jack turned to Hans and wondered just exactly who he was. It was obvious to him now that this blonde was not a future version of himself, but it did not make Jack any less interested. If anything, it made him want to know more, so he resolved to find out the moment they got back to Torchwood 3's base.

Half an hour later found them both in the relative comfort of the Hub with Hans sitting down on a chair and his hands still cuffed. Jack was stood opposite him, a light shining in front of him in proper interrogation style. Alright, so perhaps questioning Hans whilst he was drunk wasn't the best of ideas he'd had, but Jack had an idea that this was going to be the only chance he got.

"Alright then Captain Hans Liebemann, who exactly are you and how did you get here?"

The blonde giggled at this and Jack rolled his eyes. Was he going to get any sense out of him at all? Or was he going to have to wait until morning?

"I am exactly that." The blonde laughed. "Hans Liebemann of ze German army." He smiled.

"How did you get here?" Jack pushed, hoping for a sensible answer. It turned out that that was too much. The German just laughed even more. Just how much had he drank? Sighing, Jack tied the blonde to the chair he was sat on before deciding on a different method of research.

"Stay there." He told him

"It's not as if I can go anywhere." Hans laughed, motioning to the straps which held him down.

Moving over to the computer and flicking up the database, Jack sighed. Tonight was going to be a long night...


	6. Ianto

Captain Hans Liebemann was one of two brothers, his father was a veteran soldier who had fought in the First World War and his mother had been a seamstress. They lived in Berlin and Hans had joined the army at the age of eighteen in 1936. He seemed to have seen a bit of action, training in camps and passing his exams with flying colours. He hadn't caused any trouble in Germany but had been reported missing after manoeuvres in 1943. Doing some quick maths, Jack realised that this made Hans twenty five years old. He also realised that as there was nothing speaking of Hans being found, something had to have happened to stop him. Did that mean that he didn't find a way to get back or he decided to stay? Or was something going to happen to him here to stop him from returning? If that was the case then what was it going to be? Not wanting to dwell on that thought, Jack walked back over to the blonde who he found to be shivering with cold, but was also asleep.

Having more than a few ideas of how to warm him up, Captain Harkness shook them from his mind and realised that the German's uniform was still damp, even though they had gone swimming in the bay about twelve hours earlier. Checking his own wardrobe for something for to lend Hans to wear, Jack cursed. All of his own shirts were either blood stained or torn from fighting aliens. It could be an absolute nightmare not being able to die permanently- his expenditure on clothes would give even the richest person in the world a run for his money.

His search now near enough complete, Jack yawned. Checking his watch he was somewhat surprised to find that he had been researching and looking for clothes for most of the night. It was now around 6 am and Jack was wondering where the time had gone. Then again, they had returned from the pub at around midnight and Hans had been laughing and giggling for a fair while. Alright, so that explained it, but Jack wanted to know more about the blonde Captain who was currently snoozing in the chair. Going to wake him and praying that he was going to be sober now, Jack couldn't help but note how cute he looked asleep. Shaking that thought from his mind, he shook the blonde German awake.

"Vot?" Hans questioned as his eyelids flickered. "Meine head..." he said groggily.

"Rise and shine sleepy head." Jack said cheerily. Far too much actually considering he hadn't slept at all. "Now, come on, tell me because I'm simply dying to know, how did you get here?"

"I do not know." Hans said, trying to raise his hands to rub the sleep from his eyes and failing for they were still bound.

"Well, what were you doing before you got here?"

"I vas doing meine job for ze Fuhrer und meinen homeland." The blonde said proudly, all thoughts of sleep suddenly gone.

"That involved?"

"I vas picking up meine uniform from meine dear mama." The German answered somewhat sheepishly. Jack couldn't stop a small smile from crossing his lips. "But zen zere vas zis ... zis light und I arrived here."

"And that's when I found you in the middle of a field. Right..." Jack paused, staring at the blonde. If this man wasn't going to be returning home then that meant that he was going to have to stay here. In which case he couldn't exactly go around modern day Cardiff wearing a World War Two Nazi uniform, so that meant he needed a change of clothes. Not wanting to have to wait for the shops to open but knowing exactly who he could visit, Jack released Hans and led him to the pink Bug that was parked outside.

A good few minutes later, or more like half an hour, they pulled up outside of a very familiar place. Jack smiled, having been there a good number of times before now. Stepping outside, the American waited for Hans before heading towards the front door.

"Don't say anything unless I tell you to, ok?"

"Jah." Hans answered, nodding as Jack rang the bell. Waiting a few moments, Jack rang the bell again but when he got no answer, he reached into his pockets and found the keys. Since Ianto had started work at Torchwood, Jack had made sure that he had a spare set of keys for, ahem, emergencies.

"Ianto?" Captain Harkness called out as he gently opened the door. Getting Hans to close it behind him, he made the German stand in the hallway whilst he went to find the Welshman. Poking his head around the living area, Jack found his lovely tea boy laid up on the sofa with tissues and plenty of water to hand. He really didn't look well and Jack felt a little bit guilty for disturbing him.

"Jack? Since when have there been two of you? And why is one of you blonde?" he asked, rather confused. This wasn't one of his best ideas, Jack realised, and felt a bit annoyed when he found that Hans had gone and ignored him. The German was stood right behind him, right in Ianto's line of sight. "I must be worse than I thought."

"Ianto, this is Hans. He came through the Rift yesterday and has been causing me nothing but trouble since." Captain Harkness explained. "And yes, the resemblance is uncanny."

"You can say that again." Ianto laughed, but that quickly turned into a cough. Jack really did begin to wonder if this was a good idea.

"Yes, well...Anyway, as I can't let him out of my sight, I thought I'd bring him along with me to come see how you were."

"And?" Ianto asked, knowing Jack only too well. Even though he was ill, the Welshman knew that there was another reason.

"Well, I erm..." Jack said, scratching the back of his neck nervously, having been caught out. "Well, you see, Hans here could do with a change of clothes and as I have no clean shirts..."

"Wardrobe then. I knew you would have another reason for seeing me."

"I was going to come and see you yesterday but then there was this energy spike and then I was shot twice... I'll make it up to you Ianto Jones."

"You'd best had do Jack."

"I will do. Don't quite know how yet, but I will do."

"I'm sure you have more than a few ideas." Ianto said with a slight smile.

"Well, yeah, but that's beside the point." The blonde German coughed.

"Excuse me, zum clothes if it is possible?"

"Very well then. Jack, you know where to take him."

The Captain did indeed know where to take Hans and he opened the wardrobe doors to find a lot of suits. No wonder they very rarely saw Ianto dressed down- all he owned were suits. Searching around after deciding that Hans wouldn't carry the whole smart office look, Jack eventually found a pair of jeans, old band t-shirt and a hoodie. Handing them to Hans, he walked out of the room to let him get changed.

"So, is there anything I can do for you?" The leader of Torchwood 3 offered.

" I could do with some tablets." Ianto sniffled.

"Then I shan't be too long." Jack smiled a little, heading towards the front door but pausing when he heard Hans. Turning around, he couldn't help but grin at the blonde's appearance. It was quite weird seeing him in modern day clothes, and Ianto's as well, but the look sort of suited him. With that, Jack Harkness left Ianto's place and headed towards a chemists.

Hans meanwhile carried his neatly folded uniform into the living space and placed them down near Ianto. The Welshman immediately looked at the military clothes with interest and was slightly worried when he found that there were tiny patches of salt where the seawater had dried on it. Had he been swimming in the Bay or something? Still very much confused and a little delirious, Ianto didn't quite realise that Jack had gone so believed Hans was Captain Harkness.

"You suit being blonde." Ianto commented.

"Danke."

"What's with the German accent? I haven't imagined it have I?"

"Nine, dat is not ze case." Hans said, starting to mess with some of the technology in the kitchen. He would have a fair amount to report upon his return to Berlin. Fiddling with the microwave and kettle, he then found the light switch. He recognised that so didn't bother with it. He then started messing with the electric cooker and was amazed when the hob started turning from a black to a bright orange. He was driving Ianto mad however, and so he stood up to prevent the German from setting the flat on fire. As the Welshman went to turn off the hob, his hand brushed the blonde's and their eyes met. However, their gaze didn't last long as Hans suddenly started to sing, quite randomly.

"I am vot I am, I am meine own special creation...." and Ianto couldn't help but join in, even though he could barely sing what with this cold he was suffering. Jack walked in when they were half way through and joined in with the encore, but smiled when he found Hans singing on one side of him and Ianto on the other. A thought crossed his mind, one which won't be repeated here.

"Erm Jack..." Ianto said once they were done.

"Yes?"

"What happened to the SUV?" Following Ianto's line of sight, he found that it was directed at the Pink Volkswagon Bug that he'd parked up outside. Jack cringed.

"It's out of service. Broke down. Forgot to fill it up. Sorry." Jack lied, well, half of it was lies. It was true that the SUV was out of service.

"Right..."

"Anyway, I'm afraid we've got to go. Get well soon Ianto." Jack wished him before ushering the blonde German out of the flat in front of him. Ianto just watched them leave before heading back to bed. Boy wasn't he at all well....


	7. Dalemaran

Having left Ianto to recover, Jack and Hans were sat in the Pink Bug, wondering just where to go next. Jack knew that he had to help Hans in some way, but he didn't have a clue where to go from here. Gwen would know, but she was not here in Cardiff. Instead she was off gallivanting with her husband in Hong Kong. Well, it was alright for some. Admittedly, Jack had let Gwen go with the idea that it would just be him and Ianto working together at Torchwood for a fortnight and that was temptation enough. However, he hadn't expected Ianto to call in sick three days after Gwen had gone. That had well and truly gone and put a spanner in the works, leaving Captain Jack Harkness running Torchwood on his own. Now you see, it wasn't too bad, except for the fact that he had barely managed two hours when Hans had arrived and then... Well, you know the rest.

So where were they to go now? Back to the Hub for a little bit but what to do? Find out more about the blonde Nazi who was sat in the front passenger seat? And what then? Then again, Jack reasoned, the Rift Monitor could be checked to see if Cardiff was under any threat whatsoever and he could also try to fix the portable Rift Monitor before Ianto recovered. Hans meanwhile could possibly learn about life in the twenty first century, though he dreaded what would happen when the German Captain found out who won the war. That was something that Jack Harkness wasn't looking forward to. His mind made up, Jack turned the key in the ignition and put his foot to the pedal before driving back to the Bay.

Arriving back at Torchwood, Jack took Hans inside through the usual entrance, deciding to save the tourist entrance for another time. Walking back inside, Jack threw off his coat and let Hans sit down on the sofa with a magazine that Gwen had apparently left lying around. Smiling ever so slightly as he noted how normal it looked for Hans to be flicking through, jack turned to the Rift Monitor and checked it for any energy spikes. Finding nothing out of the ordinary, he then sat down with the blue prints for the portable one and started to try and fix it. Where was the Doctor with his sonic screwdriver when you needed him? Sighing, he tried to sort it but one of the wires sparked and Jack knew that it was useless. Tosh would have known how to fix it. Tosh was Torchwood's technological whiz but since her death, Jack had not found another like her. Therefore it was now left to him, Gwen and Ianto to fix any tech if it went wrong.

"Jack...." Hans said about an hour later.

"What?" the frustrated Captain snapped. He had been trying to find a way to get the SUV lifted out of the Bay so that he could get it sorted before Ianto returned, but his police contacts were being annoyingly stubborn and refusing to lend him their gear, purely because they didn't like Torchwood.

"Should zat...zat thing be making dat noise?" he asked, pointing. Following the line of direction, Jack saw that the Rift Monitor was in fact beeping. Looking at it perplexed, almost as if he thought that it shouldn't be making any noise, he suddenly jumped to it and stared at the screen.

"There's Rift energy in Splott." Captain Harkness announced.

"So ve are... ve are going out?" Jack smiled at the ambiguity of that sentence as he put on his great coat.

"Yep. Come on."

About five minutes later, the blonde and brunette men pulled up in the middle of the suburban area known to the locals as Splott. Looking around, they soon saw the golden glow of the Rift before something stepped out. Jack stepped out of the pink Bug, drawing his Webly from its holster ready for any conflict. Hans looked at the glowing energy with interest, wondering whether it was some sort of portal which would lead him back home to Berlin. Stepping out of the car himself, he stayed where he was.

The creature that was stepping out of the Rift was big and burly; it's muscles large and clearly visible. It had fangs which dripped with venom and beady black eyes resting above its snout. It was covered in what can only be described as scales, these shimmering a metallic green in the sunlight. Jack knew that it was a Dalemaran, an ugly and brutal creature from one of the outer galaxies. If left to run loose on Cardiff's streets, the city could be wiped out within the space of a day. That was why Jack was trying to wrestle this alien back into the Rift. From where Hans was standing, the Torchwood leader wasn't having much joy. In fact, Jack seemed to be in trouble, his revolver having clattered to the floor and the Captain being tossed high in the air.

Hans knew he had to do something. Even though he knew that the Captain could not die, he could not watch this green... thing kill Jack in front of him. Killing Jack was Hans' job, no one else's. Scooping the Webly from the floor where it had landed, Hans aimed it at the alien and fired, hoping to avoid the Captain. Eventually with a lucky shot, the Dalemaran staggered backwards, dropping Jack in the process, and fell back into the Rift before it closed. Wasting no time, Hans rushed to the side of Captain Harkness to find him dead. Sighing, he waited for a few moments, surprised that no one who passed by offered to help. What he didn't know was that the people of Cardiff were getting used to having aliens randomly appear and 'bloody Torchwood' with its American Captain and so didn't bat an eyelid when they saw what happened.

"Hello Hans." Jack grinned as he returned to the world of the living.

"Dat... Dat thing iz no more?" he half questioned, though he knew the answer already.

"Yep, thanks to you. I think that calls for a pizza." Torchwood 3's leader smiled, getting to his feet and heading over to the pink bug, only to discover that during the time they had dealt with the alien, the Traffic Wardens had been and clamped the car. Laughing silently, Jack turned to the German. "Ah well, it's only a short walk." And so the two Captains started walking back towards the Bay, the sound of music drifting over to them. Something about feeling good....


	8. Tourist Entrance

**Hey guys, thanks for all the reviews. They equal much love and cookies.**

**This is the last chapter though there may yet be a prequel- I haven't decided yet.**

**Hope you enjoy,**

**Fey-of-the-forest**

* * *

Walking back towards the Bay, the two Captains wandered around the streets just happily taking their time. Jack was still trying to get in contact with his friends in the police, trying to charm them into lending him their lifting equipment and eventually made a breakthrough. Meanwhile Hans was happily taking in the sights, making a mental note of everything that he saw. He was still completely unaware that he was in the future, though there were a few hints around and about. Unfortunately, the German hadn't noticed these. He thought that the clothing was strange, but knew that what he was wearing now was essential for camouflage. Why on earth this American was helping him when they were supposed to be enemies was beyond him, but he wasn't complaining. If by some chance this man could get him back to Berlin Hans wasn't going to say no.

Strolling past the Travel lodge, Jack smiled when he saw the tourists taking photos of absolutely everything in the Bay. They'd bumped into two of them on their way to the Bay. A father and daughter who were clutching a map and looking lost had approached them, commenting on Jack's coat and asking for directions to the Red Dragon Centre. Jack had happily pointed them in the right direction and couldn't help but wonder if they had made it to their destination. Seeing a few children run about near the paving slab lift, Jack just hoped that they didn't stand on it the correct way otherwise they would get one heck of a shock before being ret conned. He, Gwen and Ianto had often joked about the day where some Japanese tourists would end up arriving in the Hub, their cameras flashing constantly. Whether or not it would actually happen was another thing entirely...

Stopping off to get a pizza like Jack had promised, Hans realised that things were much changed in England, more than Germany had thought. After all, since when had Britain changed their currency to just pounds and pence and no shillings? And when had rationing stopped, as it obviously had done? Hans' mind swirled with a number of thoughts and questions but Jack didn't seem to notice. In fact, the Captain seemed too preoccupied with trying to chat up the guy behind the counter than worrying about the blonde. Sighing and needing a breath of fresh air, Hans stepped outside.

Hearing the door click, Jack turned around to see the blonde version of himself running across the Bay. Wondering where he was off to now, Captain Harkness told the guy to deliver to the old Tourist Information before chasing after the German. He really could not let his eyes wander for even a few minutes without Hans trying some form of escape. Was he really that bad? Jack wondered, trying not to trip over his great coat. Sure, it was a nice faithful coat, but it wasn't exactly the most practical thing to run in.

"Hans!" Jack called out. "Wait!" The German didn't falter. He kept on going, running onto the piers. For one terrible moment Jack thought that Hans was going to jump in, but he didn't. Instead the German stopped and fell to his knees. Not expecting that, Jack hesitated for a minute.

"Hans...What's the matter?" Jack softened. He had been about to tell him off but he realised then that the German was trying to hide a few tears.

"It's... Things are so different here. Nothing in ze training said anything about zis. Nothing talked of time travel und aliens..." He was scared. It didn't surprise Jack. It had only been a matter of time before Hans realised the truth. After all, twenty first century Britain was a lot different to that of the forties, as Jack knew well enough.

"It'll be alright. Everything is going to be fine. I promise." Torchwood's leader told him. It was almost as if he was speaking to a small child the way he was saying it, but Hans seemed to believe him. For the slightest moment Jack wondered if he could retcon the German enough to forget about his previous life and start afresh, but immediately dismissed the idea. That would be his last resort only if nothing else worked. "Now come on. Our food should be ready."

Walking back up the steps and across to the water tower, Jack knew a way to cheer Hans up. Finding the right paving slab, Jack stepped onto it and looked at the blonde's confused expression.

"Where are ve going?"

"Tourist entrance." Grinning, he pulled Hans onto it so that he was stood by his side before Jack started fiddling with his partially damp Vortex Manipulator. Hitting a button, Jack smiled as the ground moved beneath them and jolted Hans, so much so that the German found himself holding onto Jack for dear life. Unfazed by this, Jack noticed that their faces were but a few inches apart and steadily began to close the gap. Hans found himself doing the exact same thing, so that very quickly their lips were merged.

Neither of them noticed Torchwood's resident Pterosaur come flying towards them. Unfortunately that was to be, quite literally, their downfall. The flying dinosaur flew perilously close to the kissing Captains, his wing bumping into Jack's shoulder. Struggling to keep his balance, Jack broke off from Hans and found that they were still a few hundred feet off the ground. The fall would kill him. Trying to keep himself upright, the Pterosaur was having none of it and bumped into Jack again, this time succeeding in knocking them both off and onto the cold concrete floor below. The last thing they knew was that they were falling before everything went black...

A few minutes later Jack's lungs filled with air once more and his bones began to click back into place. Slowly sitting up, he shook his head and blinked a few times, trying to get rid of the buzzing noise that rung in his ears. Knowing that he hadn't been the only one to fall, Jack was filled with dread as he looked across. Just a few metres away lay the limp and broken body of Captain Hans Liebemann of the German Army. There had been no way that he could have survived that fall. Crawling over to him, Jack stared into his blue unseeing eyes and sighed sadly when he realised that they would twinkle no more. Closing Hans' eyes, Jack knew that this had been meant to happen. Hans hadn't been meant to return home to Berlin. Instead he had been destined to die here in Torchwood 3's base, pushed off a lift from a great height by an extinct creature.

* * *

Closing the metal box, Jack took one last look at the German who was his double and closed the door to the mortuary with a heavy heart. Only he would ever know that Hans had been here. Ianto would put it down to being delirious and Gwen... Well Gwen hadn't even met him. Hearing the radio play 'All by Myself', Jack couldn't help but smile slightly. It was weird how the radio station of Cardiff seemed to be playing tracks that matched up with recent events, though it could be down to coincidence. Sighing, Captain Harkness looked around the empty base and stood in silence for a moment, reflecting on how many lives he had seen lost. It was then that he heard the beeping, and Jack rolled his eyes. Back to work...


	9. Epilogue

**Right, sorry this is a bit late. I got caught up in real Life and such...**

**Anyway, this is set post Children of Earth, and for Jack is post events of these last few chapters, but for Hans it's pre his time in Cardiff**

**Hope you enjoy, and as always, please r&r**

**Fey-of-the-forest**

With Torchwood now being nothing but a name, Captain Jack Harkness had run from Cardiff. He had ran from Gwen Cooper and Rhys Williams, and had left the planet where Ianto Jones, his gorgeous Welsh coffee boy, the love of his lives, had lost his life. He hadn't been able to live on Earth anymore since that day they had defeated the 456, and besides, it wasn't as if they could not manage without him. The Doctor spent a lot of his time on this particular planet, and UNIT and Sarah Jane Smith were also around to save the day. The Earth was safe enough from aliens without him, so Jack had left the planet and travelled around space, hoping to soothe the pain that had gripped him since Ianto had died. Travelling across the Earth hadn't worked, so he hoped that this would. He didn't know how he was going to cope otherwise.

Crossing the universe, Captain Jack Harkness spent a lot of time in bars drinking himself into oblivion with Thalaxian Congos and Hyper Vodkas to drown his sorrows. Then he had found just the one perfect bar who didn't try and stop him from drinking himself to death. This one bar did not complain so long as he paid them. In fact, he was left to do as he wished so long as he paid them for the alcohol, and so Jack had taken up residence. He practically lived at the bar, occasionally disappearing to go do something else, but he could generally be found there sat at the bar with a glass of Hyper Vodka watching as aliens and time passed him by.

One particular evening Captain Jack Harkness was yet again sat on his usual stool at the bar, drinking a few especially potent cocktails that the barman had concocted. Testing the new mixtures, Jack heard something beep, but ignored it as he took another sip of the fluorescent 'En Diamo' cocktail which smelled of thyme and yet tasted of chocolate. However, the beeping simply would not stop and, completely out of the blue, Jack suddenly found that he wasn't at the bar. In fact, he was landing on a patch of damp earth in the middle of the night, with a light drizzle falling.

The hardly sober Captain picked himself up off what appeared to be grass and looked at his surroundings. There were search lights surrounding the field, mounted on top of barbed wire fences. There were lines of barracks not too far away, so Jack guessed that this was an army camp of some kind. Where it was and what year he didn't have a clue, but he was pretty certain that this was an army camp. Of course, with anything to do with the armed forces there were patrols, and that probably meant that he had been spotted already. Sure enough, it wasn't long before he had a number of guns pointed at him as he walked along. Holding his hands up in surrender, he looked at the soldiers with interest. From their uniform he could just about tell that he was in Germany at some point during the Second World War. That meant that he was on Earth and Jack groaned. He really, really didn't want to be back on this planet so soon. He had only been gone a few months.

"Hands up! State your name und your status."

"Captain Jack Harkness, and who may you three cuties be?" he asked, the alcohol kicking in. Pretty soon the very tipsy Captain would be in fits of giggles.

"Captain Liebemann and Private's Kaminski and Oppenheimer. Vot is your business here, American?" The blonde announced. Liebemann... Jack was sure he had heard that name somewhere before...

"Hans!" He yelled triumphantly, instantly lowering his hands and hugging the Captain. The blonde German was troubled for a few minutes before Oppenheimer and Kaminski managed to free their superior. Jack however just burst into laughter.

"I don't know him." Hans told his two men, feeling more than a little confused.

"Must be a spy."

"A drunk spy!"

"Then come on. We'll bring him in for interrogation." For lack of rope to bind Jack's hands, Kaminski removed his belt and used that instead. The American Captain just watched, not bothering to give a struggle, with eyebrows raised as his mind filled with a number of ideas that won't be repeated here. As the ex Time Agent was led into the depths of the main base, Jack could not help but hum. Even the threat of being shot wouldn't shut him up. Reaching a harsh stone building, Jack was quickly thrown into a cell where his hands were untied and the door then locked. Giggling at something only known to him, Jack sat by the bars.

"Vot shall ve do with him?" Oppenheimer asked.

"Let him sober up and zen... Zen ve question him."

"In ze morning then?" Kaminski queried.

"Yah. Now continue your patrols. I shall stay here und guard ze prisoner."

"Captain." The two Privates saluted before leaving. Hans turned back to his prisoner to find that he was singing.

"If you leave me now, you'll take away the very heart of me... Ooo baby please don't go."

Hans regarded the dark haired American with one eyebrow raised. Even for a drunk he was acting very strangely, but admittedly he was a very good singer. It was with the prisoner in a cell that he managed to get a proper look at him, and it was weird how the American looked exactly like the blonde German, except for the eye colour and hair colour. Other than that, they were exactly the same bar nationalities. It was uncanny how much they resembled each other, and the only way that Hans could explain it was that it was a new trick that the Allies had developed. Listening to the American Captain sing, Hans sat down and watched, messing with a candle as he did so. He was tired, and after an hour of Jack's singing, he could not take much more of it.

"Silence you drunken spy or I'll shoot you!" Jack immediately stopped singing mid sentence.

"Go on then." The former Torchwood leader said, a grin plastered across his face.

"Vot?" the German was taken completely by surprise.

"Go on then. Shoot me! I dare you." Jack said, sounding much more like a child than an adult, before laughing. Hans just stared at him, wondering if he really meant it. Did the Captain really want to die? But why would he, a German Captain, do what his enemy wanted? Besides, if he shot his prisoner he would never find out if he was actually a spy and the secret behind looking similar. Deciding against it, Hans moved his hand away from the pistol in his holster.

"How do you know me?" Hans asked a few minutes later. Jack simply smiled sadly for a few seconds, before turning his smile into a grin.

"Now that, my dear friend, would be telling." Captain Harkness said, tapping the side of his nose whilst Hans sighed with frustration. He wouldn't be getting anything out of this man this evening. "Drink?" Jack offered, holding out his hipflask that was filled with hyper vodka.

"Can't. I'm on duty." Hans explained, even though he would have loved a drink there and then. He certainly needed it.

"Oh, come on... One tiny little drink won't do you any harm, and only you and I will know..." Jack said, pulling what can only be described as a puppy dog expression, as he waved the flask under the Nazi's nose. Hans looked at him, thought it over for all of about thirty seconds, and then caved and took it. The German Captain took a sniff before drinking a bit and swallowing, and then began a coughing fit, his throat and eyes stinging.

"Meine God!" Hans swore "Dat ist sehr strong!"

"Don't you just love it though?" Captain Jack Harkness smirked.

"Nine!" Hans said, shaking his head.

"Ah well, your loss." Jack shrugged before trying to take the flask back. Hans, though claiming not to like hyper vodka, didn't seem to want to return it. Jack stretched his arm out between the bars as far as it would go but he couldn't reach. His German counterpart deliberately held the flask a taunting distance away from him.

"Could I have that back?"

"Nine!" Hans said, almost hugging the container before taking another swig, this time swallowing a rather large amount of the very potent liquid.

"I wouldn't..." Jack began, but the Nazi ignored him and drank the lot. "...do that." He finished quietly, watching the German sway precariously on his feet.

"Vot?" Hans slurred, unable to stay still.

"Never mind." Jack said, rolling his eyes before reaching for his flask that had fallen to the floor within reach. Captain Harkness found that it was just a fingers width out of reach and stretched himself just a bit further, smiling triumphantly when he finally got it. Seeing if there was any of the liquid left (there wasn't), Jack looked up to find the German singing to himself and dancing.

"Haben sie gehurt das Deutsche band... wit a bang, wit a boom, wit a..." The American Captain couldn't help but laugh silently as he watched the blonde man dance around, moving closer and closer to the cell. Seeing the keys on the German's belt, a rapidly sobering up Jack knew that he had to escape. Trying to work out a plan to get those keys, he found that his alcohol filled brain refused to comply to think straight. What had he done to himself? In fact, why was he even here?

"Haben sie gehurt das Deutsche band..." Hans continued, reaching the chorus. Sighing, Harkness stayed close to the bars of his cell and waited to seize the moment. As Hans finished his song though, he wrecked Jack's half plan by moving to the other end of the room.

"I know vot you are trying to do." The German slurred. "You're trying to get meine keys..." he hiccupped. "Its pointless trying. You won't get them."

"Aww..." Jack sighed, sounding very much like a small child.

"Nothing will work meine friend." Time for a change of tactic then, the former Torchwood leader thought. Perhaps if he could get Hans distracted then he could sneak the keys from him, free himself and get back to the bar... Only problem was, how was he going to distract a drunk German Nazi?

"My gift is my song... And this one's for you." Jack began, causing Hans to turn and stare. Struggling to remember the next words, Jack carried on

"You can tell everybody this is your song, it may be quite simple but now that it's done... I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words... How wonderful life is now you're in the world." It was doing the trick, Hans moving closer to the cell with every line. Jack was simply thankful that Jack and Ianto had forced him to watch Moulin Rouge one day after work. The German moved closer and closer but Jack still couldn't get the keys. Sighing, he stayed where he was and tried to think of something else.

"You play cards?" Hans asked, producing a pack from out of nowhere.

"When I'm not in a cell."

"Then how about ein game?"

"How?" Hans simply smiled as he proceeded to free the Captain from the cell and sat him down before dealing out the cards for poker. Finding a bottle of something alcoholic lying around, the two Captains agreed to make the game interesting...

Less than an hour later there were two piles of clothes on the floor with two shirtless men barely managing to sit on their chairs. They were laughing and joking, and Hans seemed to be really enjoying himself even though he was losing dramatically. Jack meanwhile was making use of the tips he'd picked up whilst being a Time Agent and con man to win.

"I win again" Jack smirked, putting the cards down on the table. Hans got to his feet and removed his trousers, leaving him in just his underwear. The former Torchwood leader simply raised his eyebrows suggestively before also getting to his feet. It wasn't long before the gap between them was closed and Jack knew that now was the perfect time to escape. There was just one thing he had to do first to ensure that Hans wouldn't remember him when they met next. Slipping the pill between his teeth and being careful not to swallow, Captain Jack Harkness crushed his lips on Captain Hans Liebemann's and smiled as his German doppelganger practically melted in his arms. Then, slowly, the German fell into unconsciousness. Jack gently lay him down on the floor and let the Retcon do its work before donning the German's uniform. He then picked up his own clothes and cuddled them to him before walking out of the building.

"You there! Halt!" Jack turned around as he reached the gate to the camp, sighing as he spotted Hans' right hand men.

"Ah, Captain, where are you going?"

"To burn these." Jack said, holding up the clothes whilst faking a German accent.

"And why is your hair darker?"

"Ze American dog... He threw something at me. It's the new trick you see, to stop the Aryan race taking over."

"Ze fiends!" The two Privates let Jack go, and once out of sight, Captain Harkness pressed his vortex manipulator and within a few seconds was gone.

"You're back! Nice uniform!" the barman commented.

"Thanks."

"Your usual?" Jack nodded.

"You wouldn't believe the day I've had..."

The morning after Jack had escaped, Captain Hans Liebemann was woken by Oppenheimer and Kaminski, who were both wondering where the prisoner was. Hans, having no recollection of the night before whatsoever, just looked at the two men feeling very confused.

"Vot prisoner?"

"The one we caught last night... Vot happened to your clothes?"

"Vot clothes?"

"Your uniform."

"I'm wearing it?" The blonde asked before looking down at himself to find that he was indeed wearing very little.

"And why are you handcuffed to a chair?" Sure enough, he was indeed handcuffed to the chair, and a small note had been left, simply saying 'sorry'.

"Captain?"

"Vot prisoner?" he repeated.

"The one that looked just like you..." Kaminski began, before realising what must have happened. "Oh sh..."


End file.
